It's Really Good to see you Once Again

 It's difficult to pinpoint the myriad emotions that I've felt the past several months, but easy to notice when things are going well. I feel a bit like I am trying to find my Inuit-like 52 different words to describe depression, or even my very own Hawaiian "ho'oponopono," that's "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you" for the uninitiated.

Today I resolved to return to my daily drawings. I had started the year doing a painting of my wife every day, but come February break that was no longer a possibility as we were working very hard to not be husband and wife any more. I was depressed by this. I quit doing the daily drawings, a practice which I had conducted for five plus years, even through graduate school and pneumonia. The crushing realization that you are not wanted does funny things to the creative spirit, however. I wasn't strong enough to work through it.

But today I returned to the 2020 daily drawing, my house plants, which have never left me and always remained steadfast to my side. It was lovely to return and it meant a lot to my wounded soul.

It felt fitting to begin with the bonsai tree which my friend Katie gifted me. I had proclaimed to myself that I would get a bonsai tree as a housewarming gift for myself once I was settled in this apartment by myself but I had not done so. So when I was in Rhode Island, my friend picked up this little friend for me. It's perfect and I love it.

Today was a good day. I traveled to Searsport and brought my son home. I missed him. For all of his attitude and vulgarities I love him so much, and I know that he loves me the same. We are just muddling our way through these tribulations and the closer that I seem to hold him, the less troubled he seems. He needs me and I need him. I need Katie. I need whoever is reading this. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you"